People pleasing is a common issue that many of us struggle with. It can be very difficult to break out of the habit, especially if you are someone who is conditioned to believe that it makes you “nice” to put others before you all the time. The truth is when you are a people pleaser you aren’t being nice to yourself. In the end you are the one who suffers while everyone benefits off your good ness.
I am someone who was a people pleaser my whole life. On my channel I talk about the sexual abuse I endured as a young girl and I believe that was the start of my need to people please. I was manipulated into thinking that the abuse I was experiencing was helpful to my abuser because I was bribed with gifts & treats once it was done. It got to the point where I wanted to protect my abuser in order to keep them happy. He often told me I was his only friend and rewarded me for my silence. As a child this made me feel like I was doing the right thing by protecting him and I wanted to do what I could to please my abuser in that way.
Growing up I was less fortunate compared to my peers but I still gained a bit of popularity despite my lack of “materials”. I felt very out of place and I did my best to blend in. It’s hard to hide how different you are from kids so this didn’t always work. This also began a form of people pleasing. I was the outcast that they kept around to make them look good. So I did what I could to make them happy and agreed to whatever made me likable. This typically meant that I didn’t stand up for myself and allowed my peers to use me as the scapegoat. I accepted things I didn’t want to because I had a desire to please. I noticed very young that me being different bothered my peers. Everyone was the same and I was the odd ball. I felt bad that who I was triggered them and I began to please them by changing who God made me to be to make everyone else around me comfortable.
Moral of the story, years of abuse and bullying caused me to be a people pleaser in many different ways. I could write a whole book about it and maybe one day I will. However, today I will share with you some tips that I learned from the things I endured so you can stop people pleasing and began to put YOU first.
First, take the time to reflect on why you feel the need to please others. Identifying why you feel the need to please others can help you understand the issue better and move towards a healthier mindset. Me taking the time to do shadow work and look into my childhood is how I was able to identify where my need to people please came from. The answer will be different for everyone but that’s where you must start if you want to create change. Understand that people pleasers have a deep rooted need to put others over themselves and it’s not always as simple as deciding one day not to do it anymore. You can decide one day and subconsciously do it all over again if you don’t identify the root of the issue. Always start at the root. Read my post on doing shadow work if you need help in this area.
Second, set boundaries for yourself. Learn to say “no” when you need to, and don’t feel guilty about it. This will help you to prioritize your own needs and feelings. “No” is a full sentence. As a former people pleaser it made me very uncomfortable to tell people no because of my fear of disappointing others. Now, it feels damn good to tell people “no” without feeling the need to explain myself. The truth is I got fed up with making myself uncomfortable at someone else’s expense. I got tired of draining my good energy to satisfy others. You have to get to the point where you love and value yourself above all else. I love myself so much now that I would do anything to protect me, my feelings & my peace. The next time someone asks you to do something that doesn’t feel right to you or makes you feel like you’re over extending yourself practicing saying “No” as a complete sentence. If they ask you “Why” tell them “Because I don’t want to and I care more about what I want than what someone else wants.” Or you can simply leave it at “No”. Whatever you do, don’t let them cross the boundary you already set. You said what you said and that doesn’t require any explanation.
I was also a people pleaser in allot of my relationships. I love to cater to people especially the men I’m dating (which goes back to my sexual trauma) so it didn’t make me feel bad to be a people pleaser towards my partner at the time. Their happiness was my happiness. I broke out of that by going on my self love journey and finding out that I loved myself more than I ever loved a man and he was only as special as the importance I gave him in my life. I realized I looked like a door mat by being at his beck and call. Um, ew. I’m an Empress. I’m nobody’s rag doll or servant. Self reflecting made me feel as though I disgraced myself by lowering my value to please a man and I would never make that mistake again. For now on, I require equal give and take in my relationships and no longer put the person I’m with above me, nor do I expect him to put me above himself. This goes for family, friends and significant others. My happiness, is my happiness and nothing matters more.
Third, focus on the things that make you happy. Spend more time doing activities that bring you joy and focus your energy on the things that are important to you. This is apart of pleasing yourself instead of others. Allot of times we stop doing things we love because we’re afraid of what others may think. We also stop right in the middle of doing something important to give our time and attention to someone else. This is a form of people pleasing. You feel guilty about ignoring their phone call even though you may be doing something important. Would that same person stop everything they’re doing to pick up the phone for you? Probably not. Stop depriving yourself of your own happiness to make other people who are not doing the same for you happy. The same people you are trying so hard to please are not doing the same for you in return. They will gladly hang up the phone with you to watch their favorite show but here you are ready to stop everything you’re doing to answer their call. Stop that. The next time you’re in the middle of cooking, working or watching your favorite show and that person calls that you always drop everything for, don’t answer. This may seem small but this is how you will practice putting yourself first. Your time is your time. Stop giving it away to everyone else.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself for making mistakes, and remember that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. With practice, you’ll be able to break out of the habit of people pleasing and learn to be more independent.
Self love is something I stress the most to my clients and supporters because it’s the biggest lesson I had to learn on this journey. Once I began to heal I started to notice all the pieces of myself that I gave away and it made me depressed because I felt like it was too late to save me. My hunger for healing is what got me back up in those moments. I was desperate to get back all the unconditional love I put out into this world.
Universal law states that what you put out into the world you WILL get back. Good or bad. I called all of my power back to me from everyone and everything. It was time for all the love I’ve given out to be returned to me. I simply demanded it.
Love is the highest vibration of all and the people that rule this world don’t want you to understand that. Raising your vibration makes you open and receptive to the abundance that is your birth right. However, the thing about being a light worker is that you can and will drain your energy healing this world. Sometimes we drain it so much we can lower our own vibration by raising everyone else’s. When your vibration is lowered it closes off your auric field. When your auric field is closed off it blocks off all the abundance, love and healing ready to be given back to you. All the goodness you put out into the universe is just sitting in the ethers waiting on you. If you’re in a place of depression, resentment, grief, anger etc it won’t be able to find its way in. What you must do is go inward and heal the parts of you that you’ve neglected. Disconnect from the world and spend time in your cocoon. Go on the journey of self love and healing. Once you emerge from your cocoon and rejoin the world, what’s been waiting on you in the ethers will rain down upon you.
This time you can continue to heal the world and be the light worker you were destined to be with a new understanding. You’ll understand that you must always put yourself first. You’ll be a much wiser, stronger, true boundary setting queen. You will no longer compromise yourself or your morals for anyone. You will be able to walk the path you were always destined to, spreading love along the way. This time you know to give that love to yourself first because you are the most important person you will ever get the chance to please.
Wishing you a safe return back to yourself. Asè.
*The artwork used in this blog post is from alyssiastrasser.com
